Hopeful Fear

You, shining star
Do you feel me watching you
Eyes showing a confession
What these lips can't do
Fear washing upon me
In wonder of a spoken truth
Unknown crossroads lay ahead
Keep it hidden
Or fight it all
It's been so long but
Familiar pain comes back
Keeps me distant

Is it worth fighting for
Is it worth risking everything
Should I stay behind closed doors
Or walk out in the sun
Relief, disappointment, happiness, sadness
Hopeful Fears are what I have

Would you hold me close to your heart
Or leave me stranded
Many a one have tried before
Would it be so different
No longer friends
Would we be lovers
Or sitting at separate ends
All from a simple confession

It may be worth fighting for
It may be worth risking everything
But for now I'll stay
Behind these closed doors
Watching with these open arms

When is it right
When is it wrong
"Timing is everything"
Or so I'm told
How does one know
When to speak this truth
For if there is no confession
"If's" are all that remain

This is my unspoken confession
Worth fighting for
Worth risking everything
Reciprocated, or laid to rest
All I ask is that you hold me
My heart in the clear
No more uncertainty
Time will tell where it leads

Regardless
By your side
Laughing
It's all I need
To keep me happy


-Kristina Cortez
April 11, 2010



*Finished it earlier this month after many a changes. This was actually inspired by the many a talks I had with people in their lives recently, and something with myself that's happened recently, that hasn't been there in a while.

Back in March my dear friend told me she wanted to confess to someone that she loved them, and she didn't know if she should, or how, or what. And this was the first time she ACTUALLY wanted to tell someone that. She had had a long relationship in the past, one that led to a deep commitment, but even in that she never felt the urge to say it to the person. Since my last relationship, I've had my crushes and "hots" for some, but never that urge to say give me a shot, till now.

This song/poem/post is not hard to understand. Liking someone, wanting someone, but not sure if it's right to speak out. It's what everyone deals with. Even the bravest have trouble finding the right words, because you don't want to screw it up. It's always a risk to tell that some one "Hey, I like you." "I want to be with you." or even those three simple yet frighting words: "I Love You" Even when you're certain they feel the same.

And then that fear slowly creeps in the back of your mind "If I tell them will they hate me?" "Will we still be friends?" "Will they ignore me?" yadda yadda. Or, like me, past heartbreaks come into play, wondering if it's right to risk your heart, risk everything that you are, in that small hope that they will feel the same and not break your heart.

Truth is, everything's a risk. And I say do it, confess. Even if it's in small steps with a simple compliment. Like saying she's cute, or that he's hot. Until you have that confidence to say "Be with me, give me a chance."

You could look for "signs" but if you're like me, that might be hard. I'm horrible at reading "signs" from guys. Hell I'm probably bad at giving signs LOL You pretty much literally have to smack me in the face and tell me you like me, or grab me and kiss me to get the point across LOL. I notice things, and I'll go with my gut, but I'm still a bit clueless. It's one of my flaws I say. But it's also that fact or I've made some wrong "guesses" and have been hurt. Keeping that friendship is what I cherish the most. I don't care if they feel the same back or not. I still want you in my life, but for some people they think it kills the friendship. So I tend to keep it quiet or hidden. But slowly and surely, my best friend, who is out spoken and pretty much has no shame, is helping me be more vocal :)

And lastly to you, yes you, wherever you are in the Universe. Whether you reads this or not I won't really know, unless you say something. And whether you actually know this is about you is a different story. The secret is out, but it's still a secret. I am not in love with you, I just really like you :p HA! I feel like a kid saying that for some reason. Just smile upon me, and hold me for now. Tight hugs and laughter is all that keeps me happy :) Like stated previously, your friendship means more to me then anything.


<3 Kristina

PS: I think I rambled at the end.... O to hell with it it's my blog and I'll ramble away!!! Blah-blah!. . . . Yackity-yack! *Don't look back ;)*