How do you say goodbye, when you've only begun to say hello........

Over the memorial day weekend, an angel was taken from us, her name was Rachel Reyes. And it still hasn't fully sunk in or hit me I guess that she is gone......

Emily called me early yesterday morning to inform me of the news, and later on that day I had the urge to call her on the cell phone...... But then realized if I did, she would not of picked up. If her phone was on at all, it was so family could inform friends who would call her unknowingly.... and it would not be her voice on the other line..... and that's when it really started to sink in. It still has not fully hit me yet in a way. I've shed a few tears and was deeply sadden all day yesterday, but I know it's only a matter of time before I let it all out.

I didn't know Rachel well, we weren't best friends, I hadn't known her since we were younger, & we didn't meet at school. I had met her before, & then was re-introduced one night when we went out for some karaoke fun down at Bourbon street with Emily. The next night we went out a place further in town for some karaoke fun and also hit up House Of Pies (with the sexy cops by the way LOL) One of the memories of her I will keep cracks me up every time I think about it. We were leaving that bar in town and heading over to House Of Pies. I was driving and she was on the passenger side. And as we were driving to House Of Pies she had rolled down her window & was yelling "WOOOOOO!!!!" the whole way. I kept telling her to stop it and stick her head back inside the car, but was also laughing to hard so couldn't really do that effectively. We would hang out a few more times after that night......

For the very short time that I had known her, it felt like I had known her all along. There was an instant sense of comfort in her presence. She was smiling, laughing joking, such a wonderful person to be around. And her voice, she could sing, and she sang beautifully. I remember the night I first met her parents & her brother and her mom said that I had to make her sing something challenging, that was my duty for the evening :) I went back in my mind trying to remember all the songs I had seen her sing but the only one that stick out is her performance of "At Last"

Rachel we will all be missing you terribly. Your shinning light touched so many of us in our lives in so many different ways. I know that when we go to say our final farewell it will truly not be goodbye, but a "See You Later." I know you're up there singing in the heavens, causing some trouble ;) But wait for me girlie, we're going to sing it up again!

I HEART YOU! and always will <3

Hopeful Fear

You, shining star
Do you feel me watching you
Eyes showing a confession
What these lips can't do
Fear washing upon me
In wonder of a spoken truth
Unknown crossroads lay ahead
Keep it hidden
Or fight it all
It's been so long but
Familiar pain comes back
Keeps me distant

Is it worth fighting for
Is it worth risking everything
Should I stay behind closed doors
Or walk out in the sun
Relief, disappointment, happiness, sadness
Hopeful Fears are what I have

Would you hold me close to your heart
Or leave me stranded
Many a one have tried before
Would it be so different
No longer friends
Would we be lovers
Or sitting at separate ends
All from a simple confession

It may be worth fighting for
It may be worth risking everything
But for now I'll stay
Behind these closed doors
Watching with these open arms

When is it right
When is it wrong
"Timing is everything"
Or so I'm told
How does one know
When to speak this truth
For if there is no confession
"If's" are all that remain

This is my unspoken confession
Worth fighting for
Worth risking everything
Reciprocated, or laid to rest
All I ask is that you hold me
My heart in the clear
No more uncertainty
Time will tell where it leads

Regardless
By your side
Laughing
It's all I need
To keep me happy


-Kristina Cortez
April 11, 2010



*Finished it earlier this month after many a changes. This was actually inspired by the many a talks I had with people in their lives recently, and something with myself that's happened recently, that hasn't been there in a while.

Back in March my dear friend told me she wanted to confess to someone that she loved them, and she didn't know if she should, or how, or what. And this was the first time she ACTUALLY wanted to tell someone that. She had had a long relationship in the past, one that led to a deep commitment, but even in that she never felt the urge to say it to the person. Since my last relationship, I've had my crushes and "hots" for some, but never that urge to say give me a shot, till now.

This song/poem/post is not hard to understand. Liking someone, wanting someone, but not sure if it's right to speak out. It's what everyone deals with. Even the bravest have trouble finding the right words, because you don't want to screw it up. It's always a risk to tell that some one "Hey, I like you." "I want to be with you." or even those three simple yet frighting words: "I Love You" Even when you're certain they feel the same.

And then that fear slowly creeps in the back of your mind "If I tell them will they hate me?" "Will we still be friends?" "Will they ignore me?" yadda yadda. Or, like me, past heartbreaks come into play, wondering if it's right to risk your heart, risk everything that you are, in that small hope that they will feel the same and not break your heart.

Truth is, everything's a risk. And I say do it, confess. Even if it's in small steps with a simple compliment. Like saying she's cute, or that he's hot. Until you have that confidence to say "Be with me, give me a chance."

You could look for "signs" but if you're like me, that might be hard. I'm horrible at reading "signs" from guys. Hell I'm probably bad at giving signs LOL You pretty much literally have to smack me in the face and tell me you like me, or grab me and kiss me to get the point across LOL. I notice things, and I'll go with my gut, but I'm still a bit clueless. It's one of my flaws I say. But it's also that fact or I've made some wrong "guesses" and have been hurt. Keeping that friendship is what I cherish the most. I don't care if they feel the same back or not. I still want you in my life, but for some people they think it kills the friendship. So I tend to keep it quiet or hidden. But slowly and surely, my best friend, who is out spoken and pretty much has no shame, is helping me be more vocal :)

And lastly to you, yes you, wherever you are in the Universe. Whether you reads this or not I won't really know, unless you say something. And whether you actually know this is about you is a different story. The secret is out, but it's still a secret. I am not in love with you, I just really like you :p HA! I feel like a kid saying that for some reason. Just smile upon me, and hold me for now. Tight hugs and laughter is all that keeps me happy :) Like stated previously, your friendship means more to me then anything.


<3 Kristina

PS: I think I rambled at the end.... O to hell with it it's my blog and I'll ramble away!!! Blah-blah!. . . . Yackity-yack! *Don't look back ;)*